Impartial Media Reporting

It has emerged today that an unarmed police baton was seriously injured in the student protests against higher tuition fees on Thursday 9th December.

On the day when parliament voted to raise university tuition fees to a very fair £9k a year, rabid student-anarchist-revolutionaries took to the streets of London intent on only one thing: wholesale destruction.

PC Copper was at the demonstration trying his utmost to keep the real students safe from the student-anarchist-revolutionaries who always spoil these sorts of things. He said, "I was at the demonstration trying my utmost to keep the real students safe from the student-anarchist-revolutionaries who always spoil these sorts of things."

"I was fully kitted out in riot gear - shield, baton, helmet, body armour - for the safety of the real students obviously and was peacefully forcing some student-anarchist-revolutionaries into a kettle when one of them ran straight at my baton and assaulted it. With his head. Repeatedly."

"At first I couldn't believe it. That a student-anarchist-revolutionary's disdain for law and order could stoop so low as to attack an unarmed police baton. But then I realised that the baton was in serious danger so I had to act."

With tears in his eyes, he continued the story, "I managed to get the baton away from the attacker's head - not before he had managed to give it one last massive crack with his skull though - and back into the lines. I cradled it in my arms as I staggered through my colleagues, London's finest, and rushed it to a waiting ambulance."

"Once inside the ambulance the medics were first rate. They removed all the blood and hair that this guy had forced onto the shiny, black surface and gave it a thorough clean down. They dressed the scratches along the length and even applied some electrical tape to the handle (it was coming away a bit) before rushing it to Chelsea and Westminster hospital."

On arriving at the hospital, PC Copper says the carnage was unbelievable. There were ripped high vis jackets, helmets with paint on, damaged bits of body armour and even some other injured batons like his own. "It was like something out of Dante's Inferno, whatever that is." he added.

However the situation came to a head when one of the student-anarchist-revolutionaries who, it is understood, had been planting bombs along The Mall, arrived at the hospital requesting treatment for a minor graze on his shin. Alfie Meadows had been causing trouble at the demonstration with other student-anarchist-revolutionaries, including his own mother would you believe, when he fell down a long imaginary flight of stairs in front of police lines which resulted in the cut on his leg.

Policemen already at the hospital tending to their injured body armour and batons were appalled and tried to force hospital staff to move Alfie to somewhere more suitable but an ambulance man with obvious anarchist-revolutionary leanings insisted he stay. "I'm not driving him to another hospital. It's my tea break." said the working-class oik.

PC Copper was understandably upset but managed to compose himself and act in the dignified manner to which we have become accustomed from our constabulary, "You fucking uppity student. I'm gonna kill you." he was heard to shout as Alfie was rushed into emergency surgery.

But rest easy. The baton came through unscathed and now both PC Copper and his trusty truncheon are back on duty, none the worse for wear.