The 'Tackling Anti-Social Behaviour' Bible

WHAT IS ANTI-SOCIAL BEHAVIOUR?

"Anti-social behaviour means a wide range of unacceptable activity and includes things like vandalism, graffiti and fly-posting, nuisance neighbours and intimidating groups taking over public spaces."

It doesn't include decimating communities by closing either public or private industries acting as significant employers in the area. It also doesn't cover foreign invasion under false pretences - those instances should be covered by the jurisdiction of the sovereign country invaded. It also doesn't cover false accounting, again either public or private, carried out as an MP, a bank or hedge fund or person of dubious non-domicile status or any expense claims arising therefrom.

YOUR RIGHTS

"Our website www.direct.gov.uk/localcrime gives you information about the police and criminal justice services in your area as well as what you can expect from them."

But your rights can be mainly summed up in one word - none. We are too busy installing CCTV, collecting DNA, monitoring the Internet, curtailing the right to protest, implementing multitudinous new laws and creating vast databases to be concerned with your supposed rights.

WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR TACKLING ANTI-SOCIAL BEHAVIOUR?

"Your local authority, the police and social landlords all have strong and effective powers to deal with anti-social behaviour problems."

Remember those in authority are to be trusted to do everything. You are to do nothing - except carry on working, spending, consuming and living in fear. Above all else you must absolutely NOT start thinking or acting for yourself.

IF THEY FAIL TO ACT, WHAT CAN YOU DO?

"If you have reported anti-social behaviour, but do not feel that action has been taken, you can complain to your Neighbourhood Policing Team, or to the council through their complaints procedure and ultimately the Local Government Ombudsman."

If those in authority have failed to act then you can complain to those in authority. If you feel that those in authority are not taking your complaint to those in authority seriously enough then you can complain to someone else in authority. Ultimately you have the option of suicide for you and any members of your family affected whereupon much time, effort and money will be spent on a very official investigation into where those in authority went wrong and someone else in authority will make many recommendations that the original those in authority will promise to implement to prevent any future recurrence. Until the next time. Obviously.

WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT FROM YOUR LOCAL POLICE?

"Every neighbourhood is different - and so are the problems faced by the people who live there."

But what you tend to find is that poverty stricken areas are more prone to problems than the well-off ones. Funny that - who would've thought it? That having people live in areas where they feel little hope or self-esteem, where incomes are bread line and where they don't feel responsible for themselves or their neighbours would generate problems. Anyway, why should the police care?

WHAT YOU CAN DO TO TACKLE ANTI-SOCIAL BEHAVIOUR?

"You have a right to expect the police, your council and other agencies to make tackling anti-social behaviour a priority and to respond professionally."

But remember, you must absolutely never start thinking or acting for yourself. You are not a responsible person in a position of authority. You can not be trusted to do anything. In fact you might actually be one of the untrustworthy ones. Your role is to work, spend, consume and be afraid. Afraid of everything if possible but if not then hoodies and terrorists is a good start as it covers both domestic and foreign threats. You must only ever report problems to people in positions of authority. Which you are not.