Jobs For Which There Is Only One Cure #2

Lifestyle Manager

Are you too busy grafting to do a bit of cleaning? Convinced yourself that the company you work for will fall off a cliff if you don't work an 80 hour week? Or maybe you're just too wrapped up in your own work-related self-importance to realise that it doesn't fucking matter?

If you answered yes to any of these questions then what you really need is a Lifestyle Manager!

A Lifestyle Manager is somebody that you pay to get all those little jobs done because you are just too damn busy working all the hours God sends earning enough money to keep up your pretentious lifestyle.

I first came across this ludicrous job title while watching Spendaholics. The program itself aims to sort out the finances of the mathematically-challenged who are spending way more than they are earning and who have subsequently run up massive debts. The receptionist in question, in the episode linked above, is introduced to a Lifestyle Management company in London with a view to earning more money to help her pay off her whopping debt. They take her on for a day to show her the ropes. She ends up dealing with a guy who is too busy and/or important to polish his own shoes or take his own suit to the dry-cleaners. Not only that but the bloke in question has a date lined up so the Lifestyle Manager has to order flowers for his date to arrive prior to the evening, buy her a gift as though it came from him and then pick up some breakfast items in case he gets lucky.

Given the fact that this guy is unable to think, act or even do for himself, I thought the breakfast was very presumptuous. What woman in their right mind, other than a craven gold-digger perhaps, would go for such a guy? "Hi, the names Bond, James Bond. I need help tying my own shoelaces." Quite.

Google 'Lifestyle Management' and you will get in the region of 75 million hits. Clearly big business then.

Let's have a look at 'Ten' which was the first non-sponsored result on the list.

Here's a quote, "Ten's Lifestyle Management business organises over 20,000 complex requests monthly – from sourcing plumbers and cars to organising travel and booking inaccessible tickets or restaurant tables." I mean, fuck me. Complex requests like phoning a fucking plumber, hiring a car or booking a plane ticket. Ye, I can see how the high and mighty with too much cash to spare might not be able to manage to book a fucking restaurant table for themselves. All that complicated picking up the 'phone, dialing the number and speaking to somebody.

Here's another quote, "We also source hundreds of vetted and trustworthy cleaners and gardeners and can dramatically simplify your home life by undertaking the tedious (cleaning, lawn mowing, ironing), the time-consuming (French polishing, washing windows), or the tricky (chimney sweeping, gutter clearance)." What the fuck is the world coming to people? God, can you imagine having to mow your own lawn? How simply tedious. And who has the time to wash their own windows nowadays? How simply frightful. Oh no, I'd much rather spend time working myself into the grave than get on with the jobs at home.

I daresay all the pricks that buy into this crap also drop their kids off at the nursery, or with the nanny, everyday because they just had to get back to work. They couldn't afford not to, dahling.

And here is the fucking nail in the coffin, from a 'Case Study' no less, "Mike has been a Ten Lifestyle member for the past 6 months during which time the Ten team have assisted Mike in sourcing things from skilled trades people for home, pre-cut pumpkins for Halloween, arranged his daughters 16th birthday party, flights and many other services." Read it again. They've rung a couple of electricians or plumbers for him and booked some plane tickets. Well, whoopee. But the icing on the cake is that this complete and utter knobhead pays people to pre-fucking-cut pumpkins for Halloween. Who the fuck pays for pre-cut pumpkins?!? Where is the fun in that? "Look children, here's something I didn't make with you earlier. 'Cause I was at work." And I am not even going to begin to start on the absence of thought he gave to his daughters 16th birthday party. I'm sure it was a ball.

So the next time your sat on the throne having a shit, trousers round your ankles, mobile phone glued to your ear while you wheel-and-deal, laptop open and perched precariously on your knees as you check your e-mail for the nth time that day and you are just simply too busy to wipe your own arse - you know who to call: a Lifestyle Manager.