Imaginary Conversation At B&Q

"Hello, can I help you Sir?"
"Yes. I'd like to buy some garden hose and some gaffer tape please?"
"Certainly Sir. Just along here. Is it a specific type of hose you are after?"
"No, thanks. Just ordinary garden hose should do the trick."
"OK. Any specific length?"
"No. I would reckon a maximum of 3 meters should do the trick."
"3 meters? You aren't going to get much of your garden watered with that."
"It's not for my garden."
"Riiigghht. Well 3 meters seems a bit short. Can I ask what it is for?"
"Yes. I am pretty sure you can ask."
"Oh, it's like that. Well then, what is it for?"
"Well, it only needs to reach from my car exhaust to the car window. With a bit left over."
"Huh?"
"From the exhaust to the window. Can't be much more than 3 meters. I only have a small car."
"I see. Dare I ask what the gaffer tape is for?"
"Dare you? That's the question."
"What's the gaffer tape for?"
"To seal the joints between the exhaust, the hose and the window."
"Planning on gassing ourselves are we Sir?" (laughs)
"I don't know about you but yes, that is exactly what I plan to do."
"Shit."
"Is that a problem?"
"Well, no," (flusters) "But the shortest length we have is 15 meters."
"Hmmm. I only need 3 meters. Can you cut it?"
"Errrr. I'd have to ask the manager." (flusters again)
"OK. See what he says. What about the gaffer tape?"
"It's right here. We do different colours and lengths - starting at 10 metres silver."
"I'll have the 25 meters silver please. It'll match the trim on the car."
"Are you kidding?"
"No."
"Oh, er, OK."
"You gonna see what the manager says about the hose then?"
"Yes, right away." (wanders off shaking head)

5 minutes pass before the sound of approaching sirens in the distance begins to get louder.

(raises eyebrows) "Fuck me. Can't even spend your own money and kill yourself without the fucking police getting involved."