Christmas In The Doghouse

Christmas In The Doghouse

It was Christmas Day in the doghouse,
and no one had a bone,
and one dog who was desperate
was chewing up the phone-book,
when suddenly to their surprise
a canine Santa came
and luckily they had no logs
or he'd have been aflame.

Good news I bring the Santa said
('cos he knew how to speak)
from now on I'll be visiting the doghouse
once a week,
we'll break the human habit
they seem to hold so dear;
good will to fellow creatures,
but only once a year.
It's true we tend to urinate
around the Christmas tree,
but we're fit to lead
and not be led
in spreading Christmas glee.

They didn't want a sermon though
that's not why he was there
they all piled in like vermin
to his sack of Christmas fare,
and they eated all the bones up
and they treated Santa rough,
and as he left the doghouse
he said once a year's enough.

John Hegley - website

Zig Zag Aug 1982 - Blood & Roses

Chatshow - Noisy Bad High Thing (EP)

And I'm really pleased to be able to bring you an end of year message from our sponsor - Prime Minister Gordon Brown:

"Hello, and let me first tell you how proud I am to sponsor Cactus Mouth Informer and, as a result, how thrilled I am to have this opportunity to speak to you, the tens of readers, directly.

2008 has been a steep learning curve for me. While the economy was on the up, bouyed on the tidal wave of unsustainable credit, I was happy to take the credit. Every news conference I could get to I would be there, happily telling the assorted news people about our superior management of the economy. I would be extolling New Labour policies 'til I was blue red in the face. Remember 'No more Boom and Bust' - that was one of mine.

Truth is it was easy. An over inflated housing market, stagnating wages and a consumer boom funded by debt and easy money - but that shouldn't stop me from taking the credit for it. Clearly my role was instrumental in those happy times as we all charted our course for never-ending growth and prosperity.

But now we have all, well, you have fallen on hard times. Naturally you turn to me for guidance, concern and, fundamentally, economic support. Well, let me make this perfectly clear: the current economic crisis has nothing to do with my policies. It's a global slump and completely out of my hands. Good times - me and my policies. Bad times - mysterious international factors. Got it? Good.

So, the question really is then - Gordon, what are you going to do about it?

I'll be honest. I am going to tweak a few things here and there - interest rates maybe, possibly VAT - and see what happens. While I'm tweaking I intend to lend as much of your money as possible to as many businesses as possible in a kind of desperate melee. Thirdly, I am going to show a lot of concern and talk about 'challenges', 'uncertainty' and 'difficulties' while doing very little, but at least the talk will give the impression that I care. Finally, I am going to highlight how the Tories would have been just as more inept than we have been. Although there is so little to distinguish between our policies these days that that one is a bit of a bluff.

Looking ahead to 2009, I want Britain to become a shining beacon of hope and opportunity. I don't really know what that means but it sounds good doesn't it? I also want to to help families and businesses somehow - I just don't have the details yet. I am sure the global capitalist forces at work will drop something in my lap soon enough. Still, whatever happens, at least you enjoy the comfort of knowing that I will be on the board of a bank or two in a couple of years time and you will still be up shit creek with your crappy wage-slave job.

Let me sign off by wishing you and yours a disingenuous Merry Christmas."


Chatshow - Noisy Bad High Thing (EP) (Idea IDEA(T)011 1987)

1. Noisy Bad Mix
2. Noisy Bad High Thing
3. Desert

Chatshow - pwd: c4ctusm0uth

Start Lending Suckers

So the UK taxpayer has replaced the shrivelled wholesale financial markets, via the Credit Guarantee Scheme, as the major lender of finance to banks. Oh ye, and the lending lock-up problems are expected to last for 5 years now and not the 3 previously referred to.

Then we have Dave Cameron jumping on the indignation bandwagon and banging on about how "bankers who behave irresponsibly should face professional consequences" - oh my aching sides. Of course if the Tories had been in power then none of this would have happened, would it? After all, their track record of dealing with the inevitable peaks and troughs of capitalism is so much more convincing. He then referred to the US saying, "In the home of capitalism, a sense of fair play is dramatically in evidence." This guy is comedy fucking gold! That'll be the same sense of fair play that sees guys like this run crooked hedge funds while Republicans try to lower wages for car workers (see my previous post if you give a sh*t).

The truth is that Labour, Conservative, Republican or Democrat are all beholden to the same ideals that form global capitalism. Governments have little influence over the World Bank and the World Trade Organization as they straddle the globe inflicting anti-union laws, liberalisation of financial markets, enforced sales of public utilities and promotion of business interests. And normally they do all this so their buddies can get-rich-even-quicker.

So our current financial fiasco is the making of those in power however much they may try to deny it. Or however much they may try to insist that with only a little bit more regulation then everything would have worked out fine. And don't be fooled into thinking that the attempts to re-regulate the financial markets will work either - it's anathema to these guys.

But now you form part of that cosy little arrangement, how do you feel? Your taxes are underwriting banks and businesses who have no concern for your best interests - and your government helped them along the way. They will turn a profit, you will turn into an OAP worrying about money and wondering why we never tried an alternative.

All Stick, No Carrot

"So I either play Russian Roulette or you'll shoot me, right?"

Unions at both Corus Steel and the American car manufacturers have both rejected pay-cuts as an "offer" to help get though the current economic crisis. Its an interesting way of putting it isn't it? "Please will you take a pay-cut in order that this economic mess, which is entirely not of your creation, does not result in you losing your job." I'd call that opportunistic negotiation by veiled threat - which is never a good starting point.

That the car industry in the US is suffering is not at question and the knock-on effects will be severe - Corus Steel for example. But the poor management decisions made in terms of the car market, it's aversion to gas-guzzlers, and the ongoing banking meltdown are not the fault of the workers. They, like pretty much everybody else, are on the receiving end of this massive Capitalist fart that is lingering across the world. The workers of America have paid up already. First off, they were stitched up by the lure of easy property money and sold loans and mortgages they could ill-afford. Not content with letting businesses shaft their citizens, the US government chipped in with another bill for its citizens, via their Tax Dollars, to prop up a financial system rendered unworkable through greed and mistrust. As if that weren't enough, we return to the businesses for the final insult - wage cuts.

The downward spiral must be a mystery to the bosses but let me spell it out. The easy credit that has been sold as an add-on to stagnating wages isn't a substitute. Workers can't afford shit because they don't get paid enough to maintain their oh-so-wonderful Western standard of living and finance their credit. As a result, demand for products drops. If you then cut wages further, how do you expect people to pay their bills while generating this miracle consumer demand that will solve everything and get the World economy moving again?

The answer is obvious really isn't it. You can't. The 'bubble' that has been accumulating over a period of years now has burst and that is a lot of rancid pus, in the form of recession, to clear up. But it won't be the people who created this mess - government, banks, businesses - who have to clear it up. No, the dirty work is left for the working class. The only people numerous enough and strong enough to clear it up.

Zig Zag Aug 1982 - UK Decay, Nina Hagen & Gang Of Four

That Petrol Emotion - Manic Pop Thrill (LP)

A bit of a kick in the nuts for Jacqui Smith today with the news that the European Court of Human Rights has ruled the retention of DNA profiles and fingerprints from two men, never convicted of a crime, is illegal.

The term 'human rights' is often lambasted by elements of the right wing media in its application to criminals or similar persons unworthy of such base ideas as 'rights'. People are all too willing to depart with libertarian ideas when bludgeoned with a steady diet of Al-Qaeda, immigration and Social Security scroungers.

But the abuse of the term also lessens the impact of the creeping legislation which, fuelled by media fervour, genuinely does attack such simple concepts as the right to privacy. Or the right to have your DNA removed from a Police database in the event that you are not convicted of any crime.


That Petrol Emotion - Manic Pop Thrill (LP) (Demon Records FIEND70 1986)

1. Fleshprint
2. Can't Stop
3. Lifeblood
4. Natural Kind Of Joy
5. It's A Good Thing
6. Circusville
7. Mouth Crazy
8. Tightlipped
9. A Million Miles Away
10. Lettuce
11. Cheapskate
12. Blindspot

That Petrol Emotion - pwd: c4ctusm0uth

Mother, Among The Dustbins

Mother, Among The Dustbins

Mother, among the dustbins and the manure
I feel the measure of my humanity, an allure
As of the presence of God, I am sure

In the dustbins, in the manure, in the cat at play,
Is the presence of God, in a sure way
He moves there. Mother, what do you say?

I too have felt the presence of God in the broom
I hold, in the cobwebs in the room,
But most of all in the silence of the tomb.

Ah! but that thought that informs the hope of our kind
Is but an empty thing, what lies behind? --
Naught but the vanity of a protesting mind

That would not die. This is the thought that bounces
Within a conceited head and trounces
Inquiry. Man is most frivolous when he pronounces.

Well Mother, I shall continue to think as I do,
And I think you would be wise to do so too,
Can you question the folly of man in the creation of God?
Who are you?

Stevie Smith